Something Funny – Getting Old

OK. So, thanks for that. Wow.

This is interesting. Not sure this was the right thing to put on my bucket list. Starting to feel like a bad idea. Yeah. Thought it would be a good idea to try stand up as I prep for the end of days… AKA my 40th birthday. Yeah, 40! Thanks… groans and sarcastic clap… thanks. Like I am obviously not having a midlife crisis already. That’s really going to help.


Don’t worry I am used to it. My girlfriend is younger than me. Not creepy young… more like respectable young. You know, oh you guys got married later in life young. So, at least at 40 its respectable. Right. Sometimes when i am getting nostalgic it can get a little awkward, you know. And it does help remind… how fucking old I am. Like we went to Bonnaroo this year.


Now, that should have been enough to remind me I am too old to be cool. And it almost was. But then after Pearl Jam melted our faces we were walking back to the campground, chatting about the first time we’d seen Eddie in action, and of course, I make the mistake of telling the truth without thought. Yeah. Got to work on that.


I tell her yeah, I remember Pearl Jam back at the first Lolapoluza back in ’92. And she tells me she was 9 in ’92. Yeah. Note to self: save the high school nostalgia for the class reunion. So, what we’d call pedophilia in high school, I can now call the love of my life… whatever works.


And since my girl is a little younger, she has younger friends. Right. So, we have our couples friends and then she has some co-workers that we hang with that are actually in their 20s. So, true Millennials. The real deal. To these 20-somethings, the idea of a 40 year old person is staggering. I remember this perspective. It always seems so far away. But then we they hear that I am turning 40 in the fall, the look of horror that blankets their face is amazing. It is like they just found out I was living with HIV. What!? You take care of yourself? Are you allowed to drive? But you look like you are doing so well? Bless your heart.


My girl and her youngies… they all work in tech. So, that’s how they keep me young. Whatever in the fuck that means. Working on my cross stitch cause it keeps me young. You know who never needs to be kept young… young people. Anyway. So, one way us olds try to stay young is technology. Yes! I can find Pokemon. Sure. I even created a custom snap chat feature for my set. I’m down.


But of course as an old, I am faking it. Honestly, I don’t know what the fuck is going on with all this shit. Seriously. Cord cutting. You know our parents were the original cord cutters. Not the umbilical cord you gross weirdos. The remote control cord. And I am not kidding. The day the remote control lost its cord and folks could sit on their ass and change the channel was a great day for American society. And when I was a kid, this was one of if not the greatest technological feat that had even been established. It was a symbol of the transformative property technology has… and literally that was the bar before computers.


Well, the remote control used to have a cord. Now, we can change the channel without getting off our asses. TECHNOLOGY IS THE FUCKING BEST! I think the idea at the time was that technology will continue to evolve and all the forthcoming techologies will have a similar positive impact on our quality of lives. Then, what the fuck happened? We were never going to leave the house. A remote control used to have a cord on it. Are you kidding me. Before that, we used to have to GET UP TO CHANGE THE TV channel. Seriously, think about that innovation. What it meant for all of us. The future was bright.


The best and brightest – five more minutes on facebook.


Now, I sit on the threshold of 40. And I ask myself where did it all go wrong? Technology stopped making my life easier a long time ago. Now, my technology is a full time job. Now, I have to keep up with it.