What Will You Have?

The first day is the hardest day to disconnect the reality of your life and the burden of expectations.


Why do I allow expectations or impulse to remove us from almost every moment in which I am truly alive? Is that why meditation holds such power and mystic? Is it? Don’t just sit there… do NOTHING.


The capitalist world that raised and owns my soul only push me to chase the Joneses. A car. A wife. A kid. A life. A job. They have. I have. I want.


Sure, I have things. All of the good ones including a good enough job to be considered rich. How did that happen? Not rich rich mind you but six figures none the less. Does that still mean something? At least a number that means something to someone, maybe during a dinner conversation. A number that allows me to puff out my chest and pat myself on the back when I am watching CNN.


I have an education from a good school… two of them. Not the best school, sure. But not the worst. Who cares?


Great institutions loved by thousands. Each year some of the most intelligent young people in the world want to join me and partake in a similar endeavor.


They want to be like me. They want to spend their lives making sacrifices and mistakes. Learning to love and losing options to chase me.


Not really me but all the “me”s out there. With their lives and their wives. When they get to where I land they will not be closer to anything but death. This is the only truth. Absolutely.


Throughout youth, I believed the true meaning of life to be a simple one… continuous improvement. Incremental improvement over time in all things. The next generation, year, life… it will be better. Humanity moves forward. Bigger. Stronger. Faster. Smarter. As I reach my mid-life, the lies of my youth are breaking down around me.


Evolution continues. We march on. As a society, what are we evolving towards and why does it matter to me? And now, as the end of me as clearly focused as any reality, I understand this evolution is to happen without me. Truly independent of anything I say, do, touch or feel or love.


It is not my job to make the world a better place. As I have spent most of my life trying to improve myself for that very endeavor. The harder I push to that end the hard the world pushes me back. The more the universe send me reminders that my mission is truly impossible and without merit.


In my moments of simplicity, I see clearly success is fallacy. There are no giants.


Society has evolved to allow us to give everything to build nothing and our reward is to find the moment of escape from the success jail that is our passion.