Author: Smushlion - James Robertson

DREAM SEQUENCE 

EXT. DESERT – DAY

In the desert a man, MARTIN, is walking alone down an abandoned highway. The environment is very inhospitable. On the horizon a buzzard rips flesh off the carcass of unknown roadkill. Waves of heat rise off the surface of the road as Martin continues his walk alone. Martin sees a flicker of light on the hostile horizon. He walks towards the light. As he approaches the object he begins to hear the sound of singing and realizes that the flicker of light is actually an old church. We walks up the stairs of the old white church. He slowly opens the heavy wooden door and enters.

INT. CHURCH – DAY 

He enters the church to find a choir practicing. The choir begins to sing the old Baptist hymn “How Great Thou Art.” Other than the choir the church is empty with one small exception – a young boy sits alone on the front pew listening to the choir. The man approaches the boy from behind and places his hand on his shoulder. When the boy turns around you discover nothing but a charred disfigured mess where his face should be. The man panics looks to the choir. The choir stops singing. Martin notices that all the members of the choir are wearing bloody military uniforms. As he takes a closer look, he realizes they are all dead.  

CHOIR (In unison)
Why did you kill us Martin? We wanted to live.

Martin turns to run out of the church. The choir begins to sign the chorus of “How Great Thou Art.” As he runs for the door, he realizes there’s something in his way. It’s a bed. There are people in it having sex. The man has no face and has horns on his head. But the woman is a beautiful redhead. Martin looks shocked to see her. The redhead looks at Martin and smiles.

INT. MARTIN AND LISA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

MARTIN (Screaming) 
Martin awakes from a nightmare and sits straight up in bed covered in sweat and breathing heavily. The woman next to Martin wakes up. It is Martin’s wife. The redhead from his dream, LISA.

LISA
It’s Okay. You’re at home. 

MARTIN (Whispering and out of breath) 
Just a nightmare. I’m Okay go back to sleep. Sorry that I woke you.

LISA
What was it about?

Martin turns his back to Lisa and sits up on the edge of their bed.

MARTIN 
I’ve already forgotten it. I never remember my dreams.

As Lisa rolls back over and to goes to sleep. Martin lays in bed with his eyes wide open unable to get back to sleep.

“None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an afterthought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you’re carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There’s no time for anything else.” – unknown

Relationships are hard. Relationships are life. Push and pull; give and take. And when you talk about marriage, there is even more at stake. An agreement to build an entire life together and to love someone unconditionally. That can be a lot of pressure. At the very core of this ideal there are natural contradictions in play.

After all, life is important. It is where we get all of our external stimulation. Life is where you get born, bored, drunk, fucked-up, fucked, old and ultimately die. We demand much from this life including self worth. So many expectations. So much pressure to get it “right.” But can you win at life…  

In many of these life worth scenarios, we can only look to ourselves. If you want it, you need to deliver in order to feel the feedback that is modern day successful. That is the American myth. That is the pressure of success.

The inner desire to be successful is usually stimulated by the decisions of your peer group, societal family pressures, and what we’ve been taught it means to be a sad, successful cog in the machine of capitalism. These pressures bombard us every day when watching TV or having a quick harmless chat with mom. Usually, these external voices are coupled with the internal dialogue that’s telling you time is slipping away… are you doing enough?

And what role if any does partnership fill in these endeavors? There is no doubt that no one does it alone. Let me repeat that – NO ONE DOES IT ALONE. Support structures are the only way a person can get through this world. When you see those structures break down crime, poverty and violence follow. It is that simple. Those with support win. Those without lose.
So, the question of support leads to more questions. Support networks usually start large… if you are lucky anyway. You win the birth lottery and you have mom, dad, granny, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters that are all there. Picking you up. Tearing you down. Picking you back up again. As we age we rely less on our initial structure and start to build a support system for ourselves. This is very American. Time to fly the coop and give it a go on your own.

At this point in your personal journey, our traditional support elements go from foundational to taboo. The college grad that needs to call momma to help him decide what’s for dinner is a momma’s boy. The perky co-ed with a Greek lit degree from Penn that moved back in with mom and dad is a lost soul with a wasted education. If she’s lucky, maybe she will find a nice hedge fund manager who is looking to trade in his 1971 model for something from the early 90s.

The other reality during this transition is this is when you start building your own team and making your own path forward independently. Initially, your support structure shrinks. You hear the cliché at weddings – today our family is getting larger or we are combining these two currently independent support structures to rally behind this family. Theoretically, that is true. Families have been combined. But the roles have surely changed.

It is at this time where we get to reframe the relationships we have with our primary support structure. Those that will join us on our collective journey. Those that will help us build our life. Continue traditions and start new one. Repeat the mistakes of the father or aggressively head in the other direction. Some look for a replacement of their parents. Some look for the exact opposite. Some look for financial security. Some look for looks. Some look for love. Who looks for support?

Is your partner there to help you chase your dreams? Should they fill your balloon? Do you burst theirs? Do you take without knowing? The first person perspective is almost always clouded by ego. If you are there to take, is it ever enough.

Someone recently told me that negativity always wins. They told me that when you have a positive person and a negative person… rarely do you see the positivity outshine the negativity. What happens more frequently is that the negativity has capability to infect. Shit gets sour. Nice has limits.

Now, in the context of what you’ve planned to be a long and successful life that stacks up to expectations, this can be especially demoralizing, but it is OK to be sad in the world of success. It is OK to want more in the world of inequality. Not being satisfied doesn’t mean you’re broken. Life doesn’t come with a satisfaction guarantee.

We’ve been told that personal sacrifices are what successful and happy relationship requires. In many ways it is the removal of the self and the expression of the ego that causes the most internal conflict. Countless selfless hours spent working to help support your partner. But why do we do it? Is this love or manipulation? That is the question I need to answer.

When you choose to break the mold and build a plan for your life. The life you’ve chosen. Not the life of your past. Not the life that society has told you… you need. When you want your life, does that mean we have selfish reasons at the core of our duties? Is it really a game to get what we want? What are we asking for in exchange for our love and our time? Maybe we are just filling holes in ourselves and in our life.

The crazy part is that these decision, these choices and your partnership is life. For my life the goal should be happiness over productivity. Peace over prosperity. Understanding over demanding. Forgiveness over fortune. Is that what we expect from the person we love the most? Is this how we measure the most important partnership we have ever created?
Probably not, but how do we turn off those external pressures and voices of support structures past? How do we give ourselves permission to be happy without our imagination taking a chance to show us the path to more, better? How do we open our eyes to the sins of the father and mother before it is too late to avoid their pitfalls? How can we face our own mortality in an effort to find internal peace?

I am not sure there is an answer, but the human mind is focused on the future. Choices today that will become the failures, regrets and successes of tomorrow. In my quest to find happiness and give love unconditionally, I want to enjoy the journey because the journey is the only certainty. But to me, my wants feel like conditions. Maybe I should stop keeping score… because even if I win…

Life is long and complicated. There is how it is ‘supposed’ to go… you know, what we’ve learned from the puppet masters of our world and our friends pimping capitalism on Madison Ave and grabbing attention in Silicon Valley. Pressures to perform to rise to shine to prosper and to progress. While these are the stories I’ve told myself, life rarely moves in a straight line up, up and away to perfection.

Maybe for some, that is their story. For me there have always been stops and starts, bumps and bruises, victories, and lessons learned. Hopefully, the end goal will be happiness for myself and healthy, fulfilling interactions and relationships with those around me. There are few things I want in my life. One of those elusive items is to be in a loving, happy relationship, but I am learning that to truly love others and get what I want, I have to spend the time helping myself.

When you are someone like me, approval is important. It feels like it has always been important. Maybe a little too important, but it is understandable why one would desire to make people happy. It’s not a bad disposition, but it can be destructive. Sometimes, you see someone you care about. Someone that could use some help, and it is easy to lose yourself and focus on helping them.

Falling into a pattern where a person subverts their own needs isn’t always being selfless. Actually, it can lead to very destructive and selfish behavior. This type of thinking can be a slippery slope if you become dependent on approval as a function of your self-worth and identity. Our identity is about more than our relationships, and there are times when to help yourself grow you have to focus on your needs. That is the only way to grow into more a better person, partner, father…

I know I need to focus on my own mental, emotional and physical health to make sure I can be the man I want to be and create the life I want. For me, focusing on myself can be scary. I don’t always like what I see. It is easy for me to ignore my internal struggles or issues facing our society and seek comfort in others. This is a losing proposition in the long term, and it has taken me too long to understand the truth.

Neglecting myself has helped to create a situation where now there are questions about my future. In life, there is no guarantee of another chance. Isn’t this the ultimate irony? When you are broken like me, your initial knee-jerk reaction is to circle the wagons, but there is no going backwards in life. Learn from your lessons and understand that a life, just like a day, is best judged after twilight.

If only part of the foundation is solid, then the future holds limited potential. If you are only working on half of your structure, you can only go so high. If you take the time when needed to understand your past and strengthen your foundation, then, you can truly set yourself up for potential heights, happiness and your definition of success in the long term.

This isn’t a new idea. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told me this, but I am always too scared too lazy too entitled to listen, too dumb to understand or too broken to take the actions needed. I am afraid if anyone sees how much work I need, I would never find the  approval, which I hold so dear.

Now, in some ways I have been exposed, and I’ve lost. I go to sleep every night thinking of my future. I have plans and dreams. I am hopeful that this latest chapter won’t be my last.

Everyone loves a Hollywood ending. I have always said I was willing to do anything to make her happy, and until recently I thought that was the truth. Now I understand, there has been one thing I have been afraid to do. Help myself. That process starts with the understanding I don’t have the answers and at the root of it all I am the problem and the solution. 

In my mind, I am writing the perfect Y’allywood ending. No spoilers here, but with the end in mind, I have to start with myself.

For most of us, there is pressure to create this image of self and to choose our path fairly early in life. And for some, this comes naturally. I envy those that feel a calling for what they do and their place on this earth. As a young white person growing up in the rural south, my personal path forward was very clearly laid out, and my experience in searching for myself was mostly focused on finding a way to fit in and make a living.

In some cases this sense of self image and the expectations of what your life should be, that has been created by us or possibly for us, comes into conflict with who we actually are or want to be later in life. Is this conflict the source of the uniquely Western ideas of the quarter-life and mid-life crisis? This isn’t the way I was told this story works out! But I am a special white person and culture states that I am going to be the hero of my own American Dream.

Sometimes this image of self can be destructive for society. We believe too strongly in the story of ourselves. What does society owe you? Is some else’s success equal to your failure? The ego can be dangerous. Self importance is surely the at the core of some of societies most destructive and senseless outcomes.

I was excited to get back to supporting local cinema during the pandemic when The Plaza started their Drive-In series. The most recent movie we saw there really got me thinking about this idea of self image and the concept of good people doing bad things. Promising Young Woman was an uncomfortable, eye-opening work of art and an absolute must see movie of the moment.

Even more recently, there have been horrible tragedies in Atlanta associated with the Massage Parlor Massacres. So many issues with this horrible act of violence against women and marginalized sex workers. In the reporting of this racist hate crime we are seeing the media telling us that at the root of this murderer’s motivation come the conflict of the self image that was created around him and the life that he was leading.

It is hard for me to think the victims are anything but victims. And the issues lies within the structure of society that creates a false sense of superiority for one group when the behavior of this same group has created so much pain for that same society.

Promising Young Woman isn’t about the bad guys doing bad things. Its about the good guys doing nothing. We aren’t supporting the institutions of oppression directly but they have surely supported us our entire lives. 

Hey! What are you doing?!

Little Smushie was born on a hot Spring day. Not melt the wallpaper hot, but hot for the season. Smushie was excited to join this world. So, she ran to the front of the line. You know what they say about first borns. Up until that day, Smushie’s quarters had been pretty crowded. She was joined in this world by two brothers and a sister, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Smushie was the first to see the sunshine on that warm May day.

Little Smushie had no idea what to expect in this new world, but she was determined to get started. That is something that would define little Smushie for all of her days. Smushie waits for no one. Well, that’s not exactly true. There was one exception, Smushie’s little sister Lila, and she was right behind Smushie from the start. Lila was the second precious baby kitty out that day, right on Smushie’s heels. Funny how things like that work out because for the next few years, Smushie made sure to follow Lila anywhere.

The last two out were the boys. Trouble from the start. Frank and Lank, typical boys and big bullies. You see, while Smushie fought her way out first, she was still the smallest. Frank and Lank made a critical mistake by thinking they could push little Smushie and Lilly around.

Smushie and all the kittens loved their mom so much. She was a great mom. Caring and nurturing for all her babies with love and affection. She’d had many kittens before and she loved and remembered them all. She was moving towards the end of her life when Smushie came, but she never mothered and love a litter more. She saw something special in Smushie’s big blue eyes and she knew this litter might very well be her last. Smushie’s mom dedicated her life to those precious little kittens.

While Smushie’s mom was attentive, the boys didn’t make things easy on that first day. As you can imagine, they were doing their best to hog all the milk. They were constantly pulling Smushie and Lilly’s hair, biting at their tails and just generally making their lives difficult. Smushie could take it. She was strong, but Smushie was worried about her little sister, Lila. That’s when Smushie showed off another one of her defining characteristics, the one nobody saw coming, her mighty roar.

God’s sense of humor is often described as perverse. I like to think that God gives us exactly what we need. As I mentioned, Smushie was the runt. You could fit her right in the palm of her hand on that first day. She looked like a cotton ball with bid blue eyes. God’s big joke was on the inside. You see, God crammed the heart of a lion into that little cotton ball, and on her first day that lion heart was on full display.

As Lank and Frank pushed Smushie and Lilly aside on their way to their sweet mother’s milk, Smushie felt her lion heart beat for the very first time, and she let out her first mighty roar. It was magnificent. The roar hit her brother Lank like a shockwave. The blast that hit Lank and knocked him directly into Frank. Dazed, the boys looked in astonishment as little Sumshie led Lila to their mother’s milk. They drank and drank their very first meal together. Lila loved her big sister. Smushie purred.

As the days past, the boys learned their place. Occasionally, they would test their luck and play a little too rough or interrupt one of Smushie’s epic naps. The result was always the same. Smushie’s eyes would get wide and blue. Her ears would lay down, her head would cock back and her lion heart would start to race. At this point the boys knew it was too late, and Smushie would let out her mighty, deafening roar. Rattling windows and putting those boys right in their place. Smushie was the best big sister. Lila purred.

It was the hottest day of the year when everything changed. When she woke from her nap, things look different. You see, Smushie loves to nap. Where were they? Things looked different. She let out a big yawn. As she looked around, she noticed Lank was gone. Humm… she purred. One less pussy to deal with around here.

Then, the monsters showed up. Giants really. They would come almost every day. One day, much to Smushie’s dismay, a couple of giants came in and grab her precious sister, Lila. Smushie felt her lion heart start to race, and the hair on the back of her neck stood straight up. Is this what happened to Lank? Did the giants take him? Well, not Lila. Smushie looked up at the giants with her big blue eyes, and she could see the giants passing sweet Lila back and forth. Then, they turn and started to leave. Smushie’s fears were quickly realized. They were taking her sister.
Smushie let out her loudest roar yet. The cage rattled and the walls shook as Smushie roared with all her might. Her roar stopped those giants right in their tracks. They turned around and they were coming back. That’s right Smushie thought. Big me back my sister. But the next thing Smushie knew, she was flying through the air. The bad news – the giants had her too. The good news – she was back with her sister. Looking down at her old home, Smushie saw the face of her brother left behind. Smushie purred.

The next morning was really the first morning. The first morning of Smushie and Lila’s new life. Smushie was so happy. Finally, the boys were gone. It was her and Lila. The new house was so big, and there were windows and light. Smushie learned what it was like to lay in the sun for the first time here.

 

Smushie and Lila would follow the sun around their new house and nap together. They were inseparable and precious. There were also more giants in this house. They were OK. Smushie liked it better when they weren’t around, but she allowed a few of them to be around her on occasion. They liked to touch and brush Smushie and Lila. They also fed Smushie. So, Smushed assumed they were her slaves.

 

It went on like this for almost 300 sunrises for the fluffy little girls. Three hundred opportunities to follow the sun with Lila. These were the happiest sunrises of Smushie’s life. Year’s later, when Smsuhie would nap in the sun, her mind often went back to those sunrises with her sister.

 

Things changed with the giants pretty gradually. At first they stopped brushing Smushie, but that was ok for a little while. Lila and Smushie would help each other with their long hair and hard to reach places. But over time, it got hard. You see these girls have lots of hair. Smushie did her best.

 

Slowly, things continued to get worse. The girls could hear the giants roaring at each other. They were ignoring the girls. What was happening? Food starting coming more sporadically and Lila starting having trouble keeping up. Smushie, with her lion heart, had always been the strong one, and this new challenge was no different. Smushie knew she had to do something to save her sister.

 

As time continued to pass, the giants were never around. What had once been their happy sun chasing home, turned into a potential casket. Lila was in bad shape. Her hair had gotten matted and she’d lost so much weight. Smushie wasn’t doing much better, but remember she had the heart of a lion. She could still feel it beat. Smushie hadn’t had to roar since she left her sweet mother. But she knew her roar was the only thing that could save her sister today. Now, Smushie knew why she had her special gift and exactly what she had to do. She had to save Lila.

 

Smushie, during her many days with Lila in the windows, noticed that giants would frequently pass by Smushie’s house. The giants had brought Smushie to this place. So, maybe they could get her and Lila out. So, Smushie waited. She sat in the window and waited. Occasionally, she would leave to check in on Lila, but her focus was finding help, because she knew time was running out.

 

Finally, Little Smushie had her chance. There was a giant out in front of the house. Smushie had to act fast. The giant was walking towards Smushie. Yes!, Smushie thought. Smushie focused her eyes and let out a roar. Nothing. The giant hadn’t noticed? How? Smushie noticed the giant had white plugs with wires hanging out their ears, but Smushie tried again. Nothing. By now the giant was very close to the window carrying a large brown box. Again, Smushie roared. Again, nothing.

 

The giant dropped her box and turned around. This was Smushie’s last opportunity, because Smushie knew this was Lila last chance. Smushie looked over at her sister matted and hungry laying curled in the corner. Smushie cried. Don’t give up Smushie… she thought. She was tired and hungry herself, but she could muster one more roar. It had to be her strongest roar yet. In that moment, Smushie thought about her mother.

 

For this roar, Smushie would make it her best. By now, she could barely see the giant, her only hope. Still thinking of her mother and worried about losing her sister, Smushie gave it everything she had. Her eyes wide and her hips wiggling, Smushie straightened her back, and as her lion heart raced in her chest, Little Smushie put everything she had into one final roar. It was magical.

 

The roar was so strong that the kick back actually blew Little Smushie right aross the room much like the recoil of a shotgun. But the roar was much louder than any gun. Instantly, all the windows in Smushie’s house shatters and glass blew out in to the world and rained down on the giant. He couldn’t ignore Smushie now.

 

The blast had dazed the already weakened Smushie and now she was next to Lila. Smushie had done all she could and used her last bit of strength to snuggle next to her sister. I did it for you, she thought. Smushie could feel Lila’s warm body next to her. Smushie heard something as she looked up she could see the giant. Were they going to be saved? Smushie could feel the giants wrapping their hand around her tiny body as she passed out.

 

The next few days were a blur for Smushie. She went from cage to cage and bag to bag. No windows. No naps. No Lila. What was happening? The good news is that she had all the food she could eat and a warm safe place to stay. Smushie hoped that Lila was OK. Was she in the same place? Smushie had to find out, and she knew the only way she could get Lila a message was with her lion heart and her mighty roar. Smushie moved to the edge of her cage, dug deep, filled her lungs and opened her mouth, but this time… nothing came out.

 

You see, Smushie had lost her roar to save her sister, and her silent meow would forever be her constant reminder of her greatest love lost and the pure triumph of saving Lila. The greatest talents are only gifts when you choose to give them away. Smushie had given hers for the life of her sister. Now, with each nap in the sunshine and glance out the window, Smushie thinks of Lila.

 

Smushie life is better now. Sunshine on her face almost every day, a new giant mom that reminds her of her birth mother, and more windows than you could imagine. Each silent meow is a call to Smushie’s past and while she misses her sister, she doesn’t miss her roar. She still has the heart of a lion and if she ever needed that roar again, the universe would help her find it. Smushie purred.

Life crossed.Direction lost.Steal my time.Corrupt my mind
All I say.Take me away.Learn my ways.Soul’s decay
Pressures crush.Loves too much.A selfish side.Keeps you tied
Moments too few.Wish you knew.Can be true.It hurts you
What to do.Nothing without you.Lie for me.Without we
Come to go.Better alone.Greatest fear.Real

When our cracks begin to show, and there is no place to go; I can’t think of what to say so let love get in the way.
When you’re having that day, and those nerves begin to fray; your instincts say to run away and just let love get in the way.
When things are looking up, and life has found your cup; all we do is play
and let love get in the way.
When life is at its worst, and you’re about to burst; the answer to doomsday is to let love get in the way
When there is nothing I can do, except say I love you; everything might be okay if you just let love get in the way.

5.13.2020 – Fifth Group Disperses over $140,000 rasied via Fifth Group Family Fund

5.7.2020 – Bold Begins Private Venue Tours and Tastings

5.4.2020 – Fifth Group Rolls Out New Sales and Labor Models

5.1.2020 – Atlanta Mayor Changes Eviction Rules

4.29.2020 – Fifth Group Holds First Zoom All Director Meeting

4.27.2020 – Governor Kemp Announces Restaurants Allow to Resume “Normal” Operations

4.23.2020 – Ecco and South City Kitchen Vinings Open for Takeout

4.22.2020 – Second Video Message from Robby Kukler

4.21.2020 – El Taco Online Ordering Portal Goes Live

4.20.2020 – Fifth Group Launches Employee Benefits Survey

4.7.2020 – Fifth Group Executes Mobile Pantry for Employees with ACFB

4.4.2020 – Fifth Group Rolls Out New Health and Safety Standards

4.3.2020 – First Video Message from Fifth Group Founder – Robby Kukler

3.28.2020 – US COVID-19 Deaths Pass 100,000 Mark

3.27.2020 – South City Kitchen Midtown, Alma Buckhead, El Taco and La Tavola open for takeout

3.26.2020 – US Senate Passes CARES Act

3.25.2020 – Fifth Group Launches Fifth Group Auction and Family Fund

3.24.2020 – Georgia Issues Statewide Stay at Home Order

3.19.2020 – Fifth Group Gives Away Free Groceries at King Plow

3.18.2020 – Fifth Group Begins Filing Unemployment & Launches EI Page

3.18.2020 – ACFB Cancels the 2020 HungerWalk

3.17.2020 – NCAA cancels March Madness and the Atlanta Final Four

3.17.2020 – Fifth Group Restaurants closes all restaurant locations

3.16.2020 – Fifth Group Adjusts Schedules for All Restaurants

3.13.2020 – US Declares COVID-19 a National Emergency & Travel Ban in Effect

3.11.2020 – WHO Declares COVID-19 a Pandemic & NBA Season Suspended

3.6.2020 – 21 Passengers on California Cruise Ship Test Positive

2.25.20 – CDC Says COVID-19 Is Heading Towards Pandemic Status

2.3.2020 – US Declares Public Health Emergency

2.2.2020 – Global Air Travel Is Restricted

1.31.2020 – WHO Issues Global Health Emergency

1.22.2020 – Chinese Scientist Confirms COVID-19 Human Transmission

1.21.2020 – CDC Confirms First US Coronavirus Case

1.20.2020 – CDC Accounces the 3 US Airports Will Begin Screening for Coronavirus

1.9.2020 – WHO Announces Mysterious Coronavirus-Related Pneumonia in Wuhan, China

OK. So, thanks for that. Wow.

This is interesting. Not sure this was the right thing to put on my bucket list. Starting to feel like a bad idea. Yeah. Thought it would be a good idea to try stand up as I prep for the end of days… AKA my 40th birthday. Yeah, 40! Thanks… groans and sarcastic clap… thanks. Like I am obviously not having a midlife crisis already. That’s really going to help.

 

Don’t worry I am used to it. My girlfriend is younger than me. Not creepy young… more like respectable young. You know, oh you guys got married later in life young. So, at least at 40 its respectable. Right. Sometimes when i am getting nostalgic it can get a little awkward, you know. And it does help remind… how fucking old I am. Like we went to Bonnaroo this year.

 

Now, that should have been enough to remind me I am too old to be cool. And it almost was. But then after Pearl Jam melted our faces we were walking back to the campground, chatting about the first time we’d seen Eddie in action, and of course, I make the mistake of telling the truth without thought. Yeah. Got to work on that.

 

I tell her yeah, I remember Pearl Jam back at the first Lolapoluza back in ’92. And she tells me she was 9 in ’92. Yeah. Note to self: save the high school nostalgia for the class reunion. So, what we’d call pedophilia in high school, I can now call the love of my life… whatever works.

 

And since my girl is a little younger, she has younger friends. Right. So, we have our couples friends and then she has some co-workers that we hang with that are actually in their 20s. So, true Millennials. The real deal. To these 20-somethings, the idea of a 40 year old person is staggering. I remember this perspective. It always seems so far away. But then we they hear that I am turning 40 in the fall, the look of horror that blankets their face is amazing. It is like they just found out I was living with HIV. What!? You take care of yourself? Are you allowed to drive? But you look like you are doing so well? Bless your heart.

 

My girl and her youngies… they all work in tech. So, that’s how they keep me young. Whatever in the fuck that means. Working on my cross stitch cause it keeps me young. You know who never needs to be kept young… young people. Anyway. So, one way us olds try to stay young is technology. Yes! I can find Pokemon. Sure. I even created a custom snap chat feature for my set. I’m down.

 

But of course as an old, I am faking it. Honestly, I don’t know what the fuck is going on with all this shit. Seriously. Cord cutting. You know our parents were the original cord cutters. Not the umbilical cord you gross weirdos. The remote control cord. And I am not kidding. The day the remote control lost its cord and folks could sit on their ass and change the channel was a great day for American society. And when I was a kid, this was one of if not the greatest technological feat that had even been established. It was a symbol of the transformative property technology has… and literally that was the bar before computers.

 

Well, the remote control used to have a cord. Now, we can change the channel without getting off our asses. TECHNOLOGY IS THE FUCKING BEST! I think the idea at the time was that technology will continue to evolve and all the forthcoming techologies will have a similar positive impact on our quality of lives. Then, what the fuck happened? We were never going to leave the house. A remote control used to have a cord on it. Are you kidding me. Before that, we used to have to GET UP TO CHANGE THE TV channel. Seriously, think about that innovation. What it meant for all of us. The future was bright.

 

The best and brightest – five more minutes on facebook.

 

Now, I sit on the threshold of 40. And I ask myself where did it all go wrong? Technology stopped making my life easier a long time ago. Now, my technology is a full time job. Now, I have to keep up with it.

Something more important than you,
If you lost it what would you do?
What is better than what could have been,
It is gone; where do you fit in?
Is what you receive what you deserve,
Or should you enjoy the life you’ve been served?
What do you say or what could you do,
To keep what’s more important than you?
I’m not another boy on another Sunday night
I’m the wolf that wants it just right.
A heart that knows she could do better,
The last thing I want to do is let her.
She’ll grow like a tree in my shine,
Only then, she’ll leave me behind.
No one knows my why better than me,
So, why do I feel fucking lucky?
Fear or doubt come to my mind,
My heart is strong I will be fine.
I’ll steer this ship on course,
I’m ready to live not rehearse.
We each deserve a life too fine,
Find it in each moment in time.
Each time I feel her up,
Laughing together at our luck.
Life begins with what’s imagined,
Manifested in the universe’s reaction.
That story is almost never true,
But here I am in front of you.

You don’t have to go far to hear about the Millennial mindset and how this generation is different. Many old timers lament that these “kids” aren’t ready to make a dent in the universe like the young folks of generations past. Well, I for one am not so sure about that. These kids might help us all take a long look in the mirror and make the hard decisions necessary to live our life before it is too late.

 

First, one needs to understand that generational trends aren’t the result of actions taken by the current “now” generation. The Millennial mindset is a creation of generations past. It is the decision of the baby boomers to pump us full of false promises and unmet expectations. Keep your head down and work hard. This generation will be better than the last. Hard work is its own reward. The American Dream.

 

This mindset isn’t restricted by age… it is restricted by consciousness. Are you ready to live your life? Are you ready to stop making decisions based on marketing messages and worn out western tropes? The first step in the mindset is knowing who you are and what life you want to live. This is the tipping point for the millennials. The ability to say no to the expectations of others. The wisdom to ignore the wisdom of generations past. The knowledge that not only do they not stand on the shoulders of giants, but that there are no giants.

 

Focus on living the life that you want. Don’t let the mantras of generations past lead you down the same path. Make the effort and take the time to visualize the life that you want and what it takes to make it happen. There is responsibility with this mindset. You are entitled to nothing. Your entitlements are actually expectations keeping you in line and possibly away from living a life with passion.

 

Look around you. That is all the millennials have done. Do you see fulfilled people living lives with passion? Better yet, look in the mirror.

The first day is the hardest day to disconnect the reality of your life and the burden of expectations.

Why do I allow expectations or impulse to remove us from almost every moment in which I am truly alive? Is that why meditation holds such power and mystic? Is it? Don’t just sit there… do NOTHING.

The capitalist world that raised and owns my soul only push me to chase the Joneses. A car. A wife. A kid. A life. A job. They have. I have. I want.

Sure, I have things. All of the good ones including a good enough job to be considered rich. How did that happen? Not rich rich mind you but six figures none the less. Does that still mean something? At least a number that means something to someone, maybe during a dinner conversation. A number that allows me to puff out my chest and pat myself on the back when I am watching CNN.

I have an education from a good school… two of them. Not the best school, sure. But not the worst. Who cares?

Great institutions loved by thousands. Each year some of the most intelligent young people in the world want to join me and partake in a similar endeavor.

They want to be like me. They want to spend their lives making sacrifices and mistakes. Learning to love and losing options to chase me.

Not really me but all the “me”s out there. With their lives and their wives. When they get to where I land they will not be closer to anything but death. This is the only truth. Absolutely.

Throughout youth, I believed the true meaning of life to be a simple one… continuous improvement. Incremental improvement over time in all things. The next generation, year, life… it will be better. Humanity moves forward. Bigger. Stronger. Faster. Smarter. As I reach my mid-life, the lies of my youth are breaking down around me.

Evolution continues. We march on. As a society, what are we evolving towards and why does it matter to me? And now, as the end of me as clearly focused as any reality, I understand this evolution is to happen without me. Truly independent of anything I say, do, touch or feel or love.

It is not my job to make the world a better place. As I have spent most of my life trying to improve myself for that very endeavor. The harder I push to that end the hard the world pushes me back. The more the universe send me reminders that my mission is truly impossible and without merit.

In my moments of simplicity, I see clearly success is fallacy. There are no giants.

Society has evolved to allow us to give everything to build nothing and our reward is to find the moment of escape from the success jail that is our passion.

Lay down without a sound.

Hoping, dreaming, thinking, scheming; listening as the day goes down.
Ask for answers we all want the same.

Anxiety, sobriety, stability to blame; mixing life up until it all sticks.
Your path or choose another

Undeniable until it all clicks; Love your god or love your mother
Know the secrets they want to tell.

Drunk from a dip in the universal well; Please tell me the answers divine.
Answers beyond the grasp of the mind.

Who is lost; What is gained.
Feeling the pleasure of forgetting pain.

No answers to better this life; Nothing to offer the virgin wife.
Imperfect love breaks inside joy.

Heading to a plot deep in the ground
Failure in this life is my paradise found.

Ok, I get it. We are all outraged. But where does it end? I guess a better question is where did it begin?

 

#hatesmithing is the act of inciting an internet riot. The act of turning something harmless into something harmful. The opposite of understanding.

 

Why do we spend so much of our time and energy blaming other tragically flawed humans in a vain effort to prove our superiority over our fellow man? I get the feeling that the way people react has changed. It is more about the technology enabled #hatesmithing versus having a solutions based dialogue.

 

Fox News is one of the best examples I can think of… intentionally inflammatory with a slanted style designed to hatesmith. Fox is preaching to the choir. If folks need a reason to be scared, angry, hurt or outraged, that fodder is only a few keystrokes away. There is no dialogue or attempt for understanding only fuel to the fire.

 

What would it be like to live in an America where we fostered a culture of solutions-based, technology-enabled collaboration. What if the smartest folks in the United States were working together to find the best solutions for our most significant societal problems (and not working to get your mom to spend another 10 minutes on Facebook)? That’s what politics used to be, right? Or am I just being overly idealistic?

The trust effect with no regret know the Aristophanes Affect. Coming together and living forever. Once found leaving… never. What makes the affect grow? When you know you know. Affect grows fast and must last. Uncover the future create the past. Look into the face you chase. Their body fills your vacant space. Evolve to one with problems solved. One whole being fully evolved. Growth made on the foundations laid. The Affect built on the love paid. An imperfect creation together by fate. Walking alone until that day’s date. You see it right, now I right the wrong. Fight on short love on the long. Seeing the Affect’s effect so clear. Just every moment in just every year.